Get your popcorn ready! The RNC speaker list is a trainwreck.

\Trump standing behind a podium with his hands in the air

Flickr / Evan Guest

The Republican National Convention this year aims to one-up the Democrats’ Convention. Despite rumors, it appears Kid Rock, Ted Nugent, and Goya CEO Bob Unanue aren’t going to make it to the event … maybe because they forgot to bring their own Personal Protective Equipment?

However, you can still catch a keynote from the rising star duet: the St. Louis couple who wielded guns at protesters! They’ll likely be showing support for Trump the best way they know how — yelling so loud that no one knows what they’re saying. (Let’s hope they leave the guns at home.)

Although, incoherence may be the best promotion Trump can hope for. After all, 6 of the convention’s 12 “key speakers” will be Trumps! Yes, besides the President, you’ll see Ivanka, Melania, Tiffany, Eric, and Don Jr.

But even if the whole thing is a hot mess, you’ll probably hear the Fox News hosts call it, “freaking genius” a la Anna Nicole Smith at the 2004 VMA’s.

Unlike 2004, Kanye West won’t be a musical guest, because he’s busy running on the Russian Republican electoral meddling ticket.

Even so, it is time to get your popcorn ready! Here are a few of the eclectic non-Trump speakers for this year’s RNC, set to take place next week as a virtual convention in Charlotte, North Carolina, and Washington, DC.

Mark and Patricia McCloskey, St. Louis couple who waved guns at protesters

You probably know them best from their break-out single, “This Is Private Property.” This illustrious duo is the felonious couple that used an AR-15 to try and scare protesters out of their neighborhood.

Nicholas Sandmann, Covington Catholic High School student, MAGA hat teenager 

If you forgot who Sandmann is, here’s a refresher: white teen with a MAGA hat who smirked at an Indigenous American elder at the Lincoln Memorial in January 2019.

Despite Sandmann’s age, The New York Times described this encounter as an “explosive political movement.” Or as others put it, another instance of a privileged white man encroaching in a space that isn’t his to claim.

Now the MAGA-sporting, media-suing teenager gets to speak in support of Trump at the RNC. Sure, why not?

Abby Johnson, former Planned Parenthood clinic director, anti-abortion activist

Joining the Catholic Crusader at the RNC this year is former Planned Parenthood clinic director and current anti-abortion activist, Abby Johnson, slated to debut her new song “Make Abortion Illegal Again” at the event.

Andrew Pollack, gun rights advocate, father of a student killed at the Parkland shooting

The father of a Parkland shooting victim seems to be less concerned with tightening gun legislation than he is with criticizing students fighting for gun-purchasing background checks. He also likes to accuse them of being “puppets for the Democratic Party.”

“They got their fame off the deaths of those 17 people,” said Pollack in an interview with CBSN. Insinuating that students advocating for gun control after living through a traumatic and tragic event are chasing fame. Nice. He fits right in with this crop of RNC speakers.

On a serious note, this year’s RNC is shaping up to be an interesting one. Especially because Trump is the first incumbent president to not be endorsed by any living former president.

But none of the speakers are likely to bring that up. Just like they won’t bring up Trump’s failure to contain the pandemic or the record-breaking unemployment. Because MAGA, right?

Twitter can hardly wait


With news of the Trump-heavy lineup going around, the jokes have been coming at lightning speed.

What’s in a name?

Many people were happy to crack on the number of Trumps on the list.

There really is no comparison…

Users kept pointing out the clear differences between the RNC and DNC line-ups.

All the burns

These have got to sting!

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