The real Capitol Coup victims? Melania and the whiny MAGA terrorists who can’t fly

The infamous green jacket worn by FLOTUS

Screenshot / YouTube

Hey, remember that mob that stormed the Capitol chanting “Death to Pence” and ransacking Nancy Pelosi’s office and stole government property and spread feces and blood on walls and killed a cop by hitting him with a fire extinguisher?

Yeah, that mob!

Well, it turns out that the real victims of the attempted coup weren’t the members of the House and Senate huddled under desks like fifth graders during a school shooting drill fearful for their lives as thousands of MAGA thugs ran unimpeded through their workplace. Nope. Here is the story of the REAL victims of the little coup that couldn’t.


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Screenshot / Twitter

Melania is hurt, which is odd because you’d think that with her husband being kicked off of Twitter that she’d be elated that her anti-cyberbullying campaign has finally made some progress.

Here’s what she had to say in a statement written FIVE DAYS after the siege, which means she obviously put a lot of thought into it. I mean, that’s nearly a week to pick out the proper words and phrases.

“I find it shameful that surrounding these tragic events, there has been salacious gossip, unwarranted personal attacks, and false misleading accusations on me—from people who are looking to be relevant and have an agenda. This time is solely about healing our country and its citizens. It should not be used for personal gain.”

Apparently, the impeached first lady was upset and sad and distraught about the coup attempt’s destructiveness. Just kidding. She was upset and whatnot because a CNN report said she was doing a photo shoot at the White House during the rioting. Which… she was.

But at least it was about really important stuff. If you include PHOTOGRAPHING RUGS as really important. And not the rug on her husband’s head … the kind that goes on the floor.

In addition, her former aide and super pal Stephanie Winston Wolkoff wrote an article about the Capitol riot in which she said: “It was an assault on human life and our great democracy. Unfortunately, our President and First Lady have little, if any, regard for either.”

“Little, if any, regard?” Isn’t it quicker to just say “no”?

Poor poor rich lady. Sob.

Rioters have feelings too!

These poor poor violent cop-killer rioters believe that they’re the real victims of the Capitol insurgency. A MAGA man was crying at the airport because he wasn’t allowed on his plane back to his racist house. The reason? He wound up on the no-fly list for his involvement in the coup.

“This is what they do to us. They kicked me off the plane. They called me a f*cking terrorist! And they f*ckin’ want to ruin my life!” – Whiny Terrorist Man

Stopping him from flying isn’t just to make him upset, although it is a nice appetizer. Preventing terrorists from spreading out and flying back to their hometowns where they can go into hiding makes corralling them a lot easier.

Be happy about the No-Fly list. Soon you’ll be on the No-Job, No-Freedom, and No-Showering In A Room With Less Than 200 Inmates lists.

Other No-Fly “Victims”

I just hope all of these victims can bounce back from all of the hardships foisted upon them. It’s just not fair! Hey, what’s the opposite of thoughts and prayers?

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