Montgomery Burns

Mr. Burns stole a trillion dollars and then gave it to Fidel Castro, tried to kill Bart Simpson, kidnapped puppies, and stole Christmas. Now, not only is all of that water under the bridge but if Burns weren’t animated, he would have probably been Trump’s Chief of Staff.

Hal 9000

Canva

After Trump blamed Hal 9000 for the “huge voter fraud” in the 2020 election, Sidney Powell reminded him that the supercomputer was not, in fact, a “Dominion” machine. Pardon accepted! (Then he switched it to make it look like Biden pardoned him!)

Brokeback Mountain

Mr. Trump’s attempts to roll back nondiscrimination protections aside, the president may now be inclined to pardon Brokeback Mountain for being about gay dudes. It obviously bothered him to see the Best Picture Oscar going to a foreign language film last year. “What the hell was that all about?” Trump griped when Parasite won for South Korean filmmakers. The president never saw the winning movie: “Was it good? I don’t know.”

We’d like to remind Donald that Ennis and Jack are American. And a presidential pardon could go a long way toward convincing the Academy to strip Crash of its undeserved Oscar and send the statue to the Brokeback team.

George Lucas

We nominate George Lucas for a pardon for the Star Wars Prequel scripts. Lucas is entirely responsible for the yard sale of categorically unromantic twaddle between Queen Amidala and Darth Petulant. But after four years reading all-caps missives from Kovfefeland, George’s crimes against dialogue seem less severe.

He may still need to serve a few months in a state lockup for the whole Midi-chlorian thing, though. Just sayin’.

Justin Timberlake

Justin Timberlake should easily score a presidential pardon for baring Janet Jackson’s boob during the 2004 Super Bowl halftime show. Timberlake has never been caught on tape bragging that, “When you’re a star, they let you do it. You can do anything… Grab ‘em by the boob.”

With nothing to challenge Justin’s account of the wardrobe malfunction, it seems reasonable to conclude the boob was unmasked involuntarily.

Kanye for crashing Taylor Swift’s VMA acceptance speech

Wikimedia

Mr. Trump had meant to pardon Mr. West ten minutes after being sworn in four years ago. Because the number one quality Trump looks for in a person is interrupting.

Milli Vanilli

On February 21, 1990, Fabrice Morvan and Rob Pilatus (aka Milli Vanilli) won the Grammy for Best New Artist. It was then revealed that neither of them could sing, and they had lip-synced all their concerts. Their Grammy was rescinded and they became the laughing stocks of the entertainment business. Well, now, thanks to Donald J. Trump and the power of the pardon, the boys have gotten their swagger back! (Okay, not exactly. Pilatus died in 1998. But it’s the thought that counts.)

P.S. Trump’s pardon does NOT cover Pilatus’s 1996 prison term for assault, vandalism, and attempted robbery. Although there remains no proof it wasn’t just him lip-syncing, “Gimmee all your money!”

Michael Jackson

We suggest a posthumous presidential pardon for Michael Jackson, for dangling his kid Prince Michael II (aka ‘Bigi’, aka ‘Blanket’) Jackson over the balcony of their hotel room in Berlin.

Michael himself referred to the moment as a “terrible mistake,” and it certainly doesn’t seem to have done any more damage to young Bigi than Donald’s helicopter fatherhood has to the Trump brood.

Rudy Giuliani’s hair dye for leaving his head early

In one of the most embarrassing moments of Trump’s life, the hair dye from his free lawyer Rudy dripped down his cheeks like frisky sideburns during yet another “important” speech. The hair dye was inadvertently programmed to leave Giuliani’s head on Eastern Standard Time instead of Mountain Time.

All is forgiven and the word on the street is the dye and Donald have already met three times this month.

Ted Cruz’s father for killing JFK

Flickr / Gage Skidmore

Since accepting a pardon is an admission of guilt, the Lee Harvey Oswald estate finally feels exonerated. To celebrate his father’s good fortune, Ted Cruz told thirty more lies and annoyed everyone within a forty-mile radius.

John McCain

While Trump will surely never forgive John McCain for having integrity, perhaps he would issue a presidential pardon to the late senator for naming Sarah Palin as a running mate. (By contrast, Sarah Palin should not be pardoned for anything. Ever.)

Mike Pence for stinking up the Oval Office bathroom

Flickr / Gage Skidmore

Trump almost replaced Pence on the 2020 ticket with Nikki Haley, but not because the white homophobic lying man from Indiana was an election liability. The real reason: Donnie still hadn’t forgiven Mike for sneaking into his bathroom after accidentally eating Mexican food while the Round-Mound-of-Sound was at Mar-a-Lago.

Mikhail Gorbachev

On Mr. Gorbachev’s watch, the Berlin Wall was knocked down (which Mexico paid for) and the Soviet Union was broken up. Many Russians have still never forgiven Gorby for these transgressions. Until now! Our impeached American president has air-mailed a pardon to Moscow and now everything is hunky-dory in Putingrab.

The guy who accidentally forgot the cheese on Donald’s Big Mac in 1989

In a largely underreported story, Mr. Trump originally wanted the death penalty for the man who “spaced out” and forgot to put cheese on his Big Mac over thirty years ago. With much cajoling by Kellyanne Conway and his closest burger advisors, the Donald has relented and finally chosen to officially forgive what he still considers “the most heinous crime he’s ever encountered.”

Kevin Cash

Yes, the Tampa Bay Rays manager deserves a pardon for stupidly pulling Blake Snell out of Game Six of the World Series. His lefty ace had thrown just 73 pitches, was pitching a two-hit shutout, and was leading 1-0! Now, thanks to the Donald, Cash’s blunder has been wiped from the annals of baseball.

Maybe Trump’s decision had something to do with Kevin’s last name…

VHS

We’d like to see VHS pardoned for forcing Betamax off the market. Sure Betamax was a better format, but no one bought one. Now that both technologies have fallen prey to the free market economy, it’s time to let it go.

Chrysler

We’d like to see Chrysler receive a presidential pardon. No, not for cash-grabbing in multiple bailouts, but for the PT Cruiser. Now that all the clowns have had time to get out of the Cruiser, let’s let Chrysler off the hook before the clowns empty out of Washington DC.

Nicolas Cage

Perhaps a presidential pardon could give Nicolas Cage the jolt he needs. While his talent was obvious in his early career, making him seem more than just a lucky nephew of Francis Ford Coppola, something went off the rails right around the time he hopped the train out of Red Rock West.

C’mon, Donny, help Nicolas out before he decides to sing…again.

Gwyneth Paltrow

How about a presidential pardon for Gwyneth Paltrow for everything she has ever said as herself? Paltrow’s portrayal of a superhero’s girlfriend seemed more in touch with reality than anything she has said off-script for years. This is not a pre-emptive pardon; if Gwyneth keeps talking off-book, she’s back on the hook.

The Scream

Perhaps Edvard Munch’s painting, The Scream, does not need its own presidential pardon as much as everyone who ever used it to try to be funny. It was never funny. Ever. Not once. Not even in Home Alone.

Nosferatu

Nosferatu should get a pardon for the offense of being so epically creepy that we’d never get rid of the vampire movie genre. Twilight wasn’t his fault, and he shouldn’t be punished for it.

Hannibal Lecter

Few cannibals have captured the public imagination the way Hannibal Lecter has. Nobody blamed the Uruguayan rugby team members who survived their plane crash for eating their friends. So why do we need to go ham on Hannibal?

He’s just a cannibal with good taste who thinks people taste good.

The Borg

We have to hope there is some way to pardon the Borg. After all, nature’s resistance seems to be futile as humans roll over the planet. Metaphor or not, if the Borg cannot be pardoned, neither can we.